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Jaqualine Cosens : Heart of a Muslim
I did not know who I
was until I began studying religions. Although raised as a Christian, I had
never been satisfied with the Church's "teachings." I hadn't known other
religions existed. I felt tremendous conviction to find 'Who' my Creator was and
what my existence and purpose was on earth. In searching diverse Christian
beliefs, I found too many, each professing to be 'The One'. Unfulfilled, I
started researching other beliefs: Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism, one after
another.
Depression began to cloud my thoughts. I played with ideas that all religions
were myths, like the Santas and Easter bunnies that I had been raised with.
Atheism crossed my mind, and that thought frightened me. If there was no
Creator, then there was really no purpose in living. The modesty and caring I
was brought up to believe in seemed to be fruitless. It only brought me
hardships. The world wasn't modest or caring. I had been ridiculed for my
puritanical lifestyle. My life was writing, books and study. I hadn't been able
to share in attitudes of those around me. Many kept trying to get me to change,
to "realize that it was the twentieth century", to "loosen up and have some
fun", or so they said. My children, writing and studies had been my life until
1987. Then everything changed. My father passed away that year. Devotion,
loyalty and purity hadn't helped me in keeping him alive. I couldn't do anything
to help him as he grew more ill. When he was gone, I felt alone. Sadness filled
my heart. But it was 'my' sadness. I couldn't let others feel it through me or
for me.
I began looking back. My life had been difficult, disappointing and hard. The
only reason I felt I had to complete the life cycle, was because it was, by
nearly every religion I studied, a horrendous and unforgivable sin to end it at
one's own decision. Finally, working through the grief process, I realized that
everything I learned made very little sense. I prayed through tears of sincerity
for 'my Creator', whoever that might be, to guide me to that which was right. My
studies brought knowledge of Him, but my heart could not find Him. I knew I
couldn't do it alone. I sought Divine guidance.
The next morning I rose from sleep, turned on the television, trying desperately
to fill my mind with nothingness to distract nagging thoughts about religions
and beliefs. On the screen was Phil Donahue, the popular talk show host, with a
couple, the man speaking with a foreign accent about Islam and the woman, his
wife, who had converted to Islam. I was not too interested in what she might
say, as I had known numerous women who converted to their husband's religions. I
had rejected this as I felt that one's beliefs should be because of one's own
personal convictions and relationship with the Creator. As she began to speak, I
saw and felt something very different. She sat in the most modest dress with
head covered, but to me she looked only pure and beautiful. It didn't matter
that you couldn't see what her body or hair looked like. It was in her eyes and
voice. She seemed very much Muslim and believed in Islam. I wondered, could I
ever be accepted as a Muslim by other Muslims? Were there other blonde-haired,
blue-eyed, female Muslims? I knew so little about this new religion but
something was happening to me even then. Something was drawing my heart to
listen, but the visual alone was making me sit up and take notice. My depression
disappeared. My attention was clearer than ever.
It was time in my life that I heard of Islam. I had no understanding of the
religion which I now consider a way of life, rather than just a belief. I can't
remember much of what they said but the conviction was growing in my soul.
Something about the Qur'an, about staying modest in this perverted world, about
husbands being faithful and loyal to their families. None of it seemed to be the
hype religions use to manipulate their practitioners. It seemed logical and
dealt with reality. I liked that. It made sense for me. I wished I'd known about
this growing up. I'd always kept an open mind, never judging acquaintances from
the way they lived, but I could never change to live the way they did, although
it ruined many relationships. But here, in front of my eyes, seeping into my
ears, were the words that fit the way I thought, lived and believed. Now I had a
word for it all: Islam!.
I was living alone in my home in a little town in the South. There were no books
on Islam at the library. They pre-read all their books and a committee approved
which ones they would shelve. Being born and raised in New York, I knew how to
get information others might consider censored, I was told there was one Muslim,
living in the town, married to a Methodist. I called the Methodist Church,
explained what I was looking for and they gave me the name of the family. I
called to see if he might know what translation of Qur'an was best and where I
might acquire one. He gave me information and I ordered a copy of the Qur'an, a
pocket book edition. When I got my copy in the mail, I read it cover to cover in
two days. It was poetry to me. It was in that moment, I embraced Islam and was
embraced by Islam.
I was like an addict. Never before was I so obsessed with anything. I couldn't
get enough of it. I called the Saudi Arabian embassy in Washington, DC and
within a week my mailbox was filled with beautiful and precious information. I
holed up in my home, locking doors, lowering drapes, unplugging phones, not
speaking to anyone. I didn't want to be disturbed from my newly found treasures.
I was in paradise. Everything I read suited me. I saw through the messages and
words the way, I believed had not been old fashioned or wrong. Finally I had
found my Creator's wishes and commands had been with me all along. Where I went
from there, I was sure, would be limitless, not accepted by others perhaps, but
limitless for my heart.
I believe Allah (Subhanahu wa Ta 'ala) will direct my steps in whatever way He
chooses. I thought back of how I prayed so hard and for the first time, the
Creator had answered through a talk show that had lasted only an hour out of the
years of my past life.
Finding a place for books, tapes and prayer rugs, I ordered everything I could.
I received another copy of the Qur'an. Such beautiful words filled the thick,
green and gold hard-cover book in Arabic and the translation of its meaning in
English. In reading it from cover to cover, I started dreaming about Mosques and
foreign countries, something I had never dreamed about before. They were lucid
and special. I never really understood all aspects of the meanings, but they
brought me peace. Always doubting my own beliefs after years of being told what
was right by others, the dreams were the verification that Allah (Subhanahu wa
Ta 'ala) did guide me to Islam. I read passages every night. I don't understand
everything yet because I don't know other Muslims and have no one to talk to or
ask questions of. But I have recently found the Islamic Horizons with great
reading and services I didn't know existed.
Now I even have a covering for my head. Although I don't exactly know how to
properly pray yet, I put my prayer rug on the floor, cover my head and I do
pray, five times a day, repeating the words found in the first Surah (the
opening), and hope that Allah (Subhanahu wa Ta 'ala) will accept my ignorance
while I am still trying to learn. My hope is that Allah will lead me to the
correct ways, laws and prayers that will allow me to live in the fullest for Him
and develop the true Islamic lifestyle. What I do know is that I have finally
found the way and inside I have found what had always been the part of me that
seemed to be missing; The Heart of a Muslim.
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